the MIND less FULL

Teenage Kicks

Friday 30th April 2021

Last week I took a step back into joining civilisation again. In the merriment of the pub beer garden, I sat in the sunshine in my party of 6 –it felt good to be back. Except it was a party of 5, 1 person was missing. My 16 year old daughter. Why? Too cool to be out with her family? Out with her mates enjoying the last few weeks before the end of her ‘official school years’? I wish.

That morning, like 5 other mornings since September, she received the (socially distanced) tap on the shoulder telling her it was time for another round of isolation.

By the time this ‘block’ has run its course, she will have spent a total of 62 days in the last 7 months socially isolating. That is 62 days without going for a walk. 62 days of not seeing friends and family, masked face to masked face. 62 days reliant on technology for schooling and socialising – neither of which, no matter how good, makes up for the real thing. These 62 days don’t include lockdowns. At least in lockdowns there was the 1-hour window of exercise permitted, some conversations over the hedges and gateposts and everyone was in the same sea (if not the same boat).

Why has this happened? Because of where she was sat in a classroom. With a mask on. Playing catch up. Making up for losses of the past year. Something she has absolutely no control over.

In terms of stress, control plays a central role in our experience. The less in control we feel, the more stress we tend to experience. It is why the pandemic, in part, has played havoc with our adrenal glands leaving us exhausted and overwhelmed. For teenagers in schools at the moment, everyday is like running the gauntlet. Never sure when they will get tripped up.

She met the news with a shrug of the shoulders, asked if she could order a Chinese as she was missing out on a pub tea and settled into the task of doing a History test that might count in someway shape and form towards her GCSE grade. You know – the exam grades that they will never truly own. The qualifications they are being told are ‘really important’ that these last few weeks ‘really matter’. Just forget that you have been told you can’t go anywhere for 10 days, to cancel any plans you had made, to turn the place where you sleep and disconnect, back into your domestic classroom– compartmentalise that curve ball and ‘crack on’ activating your brain to do a test.

Maslow would turn in his grave. His hierarchy of needs arranges our motivation on a continuum – basic physical and psychological needs around security and safety need to be fulfilled before we can reach the dizzy heights of self-actualisation and achieve our potential. He would be horrified at expecting someone to climb straight back up to the top of the hierarchy in a matter of minutes, and be top of their game when someone has just pulled the rug from beneath their feet.

As of April 12th, in theory we gained relative freedom in terms of avoiding further isolation. The risk of being ‘tracked & traced’ is to an extent within our control. We can choose if we want to go to shops or order online. Covid guidelines mean we can get on with jobs, relatively safe in the knowledge we can keep distanced from others. If we want to socialise, we can do it outside and stay away 2m’s from others whilst enjoying a glass of wine in the sunshine. We have some control back.

Our school children do not have the same level of control. Their freedom can be whisked away at any moment – and this time, they are going it alone whilst the rest of us embrace our brave new worlds. Despite the fact they are wearing masks all day long, it does not protect them from having to isolate (albeit playing a vital role in reducing transmission). They are at the mercy of the seating plan. Their position on the register. Whether they sit boy girl boy girl. No control.

I have worked with teenagers for 25 years. They are a pretty amazing bunch. They are funny and loud and confident. They are shy and unsure and lacking in confidence. They are sparky and brave and fearless. They are anxious and timid and scared.

At no other time in our lives do humans experience such a physical and psychological transformation. In terms of control – they are in total freefall without a parachute. Bodies change at a rapid rate, hormones rage, friendships bring out the best and the worst, emotions are big, raw and overwhelming, first loves blossom and break up, skin breaks out and voices drop, clothes don’t fit like they should, there is a pressure to do well and focus on a future they don’t even understand. We teach them to speak out and to shut up. Form an identity but fit in. All on a back wash of confidence ebbing and flowing.

There is nothing stable about these years. Remember yours? Control is definitely absent.
Maybe that is why they are able to roll with the punches that keep coming their way?

None of this is directed at schools in any way shape or form. The school have been brilliant. Teachers have been brilliant. Neither is it political. It is not about what we should or shouldn’t be doing. It is not about comparing the sacrifices that other sectors of our society have made. This isn’t a woe is me (or her). It isn’t about my daughters, nieces, nephews, their friends, my students. It is what it is.

This isn’t a post about the impact of all of this. That has been well documented in the news and in conversation. We have some great support systems in place to advise and support teen mental health.

It is about taking a moment to acknowledge the sacrifices our teens are still making. The sports, the friendships, the learning, the social experiences that form such a large part of growing up that are (albeit temporary) on a sabbatical when asked to isolate (again). The ones who are coming last in the race to gain any control over their lives.

It is about giving a shout out to the teenagers doing a bloomin’ amazing job of taking all of this in their stride. A metaphorical clap on the doorstep. It’s a post in praise of our youth, who so often get a bad rap. It’s about remembering that there is a whole army of kids still doing their bit. If you have any compassion to spare, send some their way.

Our teenagers are still most definitely getting their kicks – just not in the way that they need to.